Fruit in Drinks: The Shocking Truth Uncovered

Shocking news:  After the investigation that showed over 90% of ice machines contained fecal matter, a report was completed in 2014 from the Association of Review Safety and Environment in regards to the quality of drinks, in relation to independent online reviewers for various rating and review sites.


A.R.S.E. was recently forced to release the highly anticipated report that confirmed over 80% of the drinks recovered for the study, the fruit had been sprayed over like filthy fireman on bonfire night.


After testing the drinks, it was found to have a 3.5% variance from the amount of jizz that is within acceptable levels within alcoholic beverages. This was later confirmed after dissection of the various lemons, limes, and olives; when they leaked man batter out on the side, like a soupy river of oily bleach.


The Coalition of Local Entertainment Notables and Certification Housing was called in to conduct an independent study to verify the results, and to determine the source of the man sauce.

Could it be happening in your local?

The study was undermined by several set-backs in the investigation process, where agents of C.L.E.N.C.H. were repeatedly being thrown out of several bar and catering conventions for ordering each drink separately, asking for a guinness at the end, counting out cash on the side after being told the price, and failing to tip after extended stays at venue.


After 2 years of investigation, the study was directed to reach a conclusion. C.L.E.N.C.H. was forced to relax their investigations to ensure that A.R.S.E. could move the study to the final stages of completion.


It was discovered that for the drinks that the agents requested there was 98.3% positive result for dancing glue, in all drinks recovered.


The ceremonial offerings get into or onto the fruit in a practice known in the underground of services professionals as ‘charging the glasses’. The common technique is to wank yourself off in the back room in your undercrackers, wait until the opportune time (such as crouching down to a bottle fridge), grab a dab of man mustard, and insert the ‘charge’.


Other more elaborate set-ups were observed where grunt tonic was stored in various containers, and even had back room prepped ‘charges’ for specific clientele.


A similar practice known as ‘tipping the velvet’ was also discovered where female bar staff pictured the strong, but inviting mustache of Frank Zappa.


Others just piss it in.


An industry in panic?

The members of A.R.S.E. and C.L.E.N.C.H. have reportedly sought funding from The Trade and Weights Association of Till Services to continue the study. It is expected that the study will be funded, as they may be at risk of losing their status as a regulatory body if they fail to act on this shocking discovery.


Although there is a great deal of mystery associated with the study, it seems that now more than ever, T.W.A.T.S. will be making greater efforts to secure your drink in a more overt and progressive way.


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